A Part Of Me, Today, Tomorrow
by Shimegami-chan
Summary: One-shot. Duo shows up on Heero's doorstep with some bad news, and a confession. Shounen-ai!


_Edited and re-uploaded on July 8, 2008. There was little I could do about an awful premise, but at least the writing is less-stilted and contains no fangirl Japanese._

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing isn't mine.

* * *

A Part of Me; Today, Tomorrow

By Shimegami-chan

Warnings: Shounen-ai, angst, boundless sap

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Duo nervously stood outside, his finger mere inches away from the doorbell. He had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't shake, a mixture of fear and apprehension and dread. /What will he think of me coming to him like this? It's like I'm a whole different person. I couldn't face him before--how can I do it now, when I'm not even the person he knew?/

Duo reached one hand up to touch his bristly hair. It still felt alien and unfamiliar and he felt almost...lost. There was a vital part of him that was missing, a void he could not fill. It seemed so petty, even as the ache burned in his gut. So petty. He shouldn't care this much, should he? More important things waited on the other side of the door. Much more important things, that could help him forget about what'd been through; the things he had lost.

His loss. It felt like someone close to him had died--that he had misplaced an important part of his identity. It was true, Duo admitted--it had been the most painful part of his illness, had been the weight that really crushed him. He had broken through, but now he looked at the stranger in the mirror every morning, at those darkened violet eyes, peering out from under wispy salt-and-pepper bangs, and he wanted to cry. Sometimes he did cry, when he was alone--he cried for Heero, the man to whom he had always wanted to give his heart; for sweet little Quatre, who he dared not tell the dark secret to; for Wufei and Trowa whom he knew would be silent as ever. Wufei's rage would burn if he knew; even though he and Duo had never gotten along well, Wufei was incredibly loyal and Duo would place his life in the Chinese boy's hands any time.

But he hadn't told them. Any of them. He prayed deep in his heart of hearts that it was safe to tell them now--or even just Heero--because Duo wasn't sure that he could do it at all if he waited any longer. For his friends and the loneliness in his heart, for his gaunt body and dead eyes and--

He mustn't cry. Not here, not now, on Heero's doorstep. How long had he been standing here, anyway? He hadn't even remembered arriving at the door. Self-doubt struck Duo again, but he pressed his index finger to the bell anyway. It was now or never - he might not get a second chance. Death was like that. But even though Duo knew this so well, he still didn't know what to say as he heard someone's footsteps approaching. All the carefully rehearsed words and speeches in his mind fell apart all at once, like a delicate piece of glass that someone had carelessly smashed.

He was afraid now. Terrified would be a better word. But what was there to be scared of? It was Heero, after all! Heero wouldn't care what he looked like, what he had become. Hell, Heero might approve. But somehow Duo doubted Heero would approve of what he was going to be saying.

The door opened and there he was, virtually unchanged save for the five years of age on his body since they had last met, his colbalt-blue eyes cold and hard as ever. Heero had grown a few inches in that time; was now taller than Duo himself, and he wore blue jeans and a white t-shirt on his slim body. "Yes?"

_How typical of Heero. Not a hello, not a greeting, just a sharp what-do-you-want-so-I-can-kick-you-out._

_God, I've missed him._

Duo found he could not make his mouth work correctly; it was opening and closing as it should but no sound was coming out. His eyes slowly ran from the top to the bottom of the Heero standing there, who looked a bit confused at his vistor's silence. "..."

Heero's eyes narrowed and he stared hard at the figure in front of him. "What do you want?" His tone wasn't angry, wasn't accusing-just curious. Wondering what the mute guy was doing out on his step, Duo supposed.

_He doesn't recognize me._ His lips formed Heero's name but no sound emerged as the Japanese boy studied them intently, his features hardening slightly, probably reacting to the expression on Duo's face-it was somewhere between a smile of joy half-fallen, shame, shock, elation. The visitor finally whispered, "Heero."

If there was anything untouched by the disease it was his voice, thick with emotion. The second time, it was stronger. "Heero!"

Shock registered on Heero's face as the identity of the stranger suddenly came to him. "Duo? Is that you?"

Duo just nodded, fists clenched at his sides.

Now it seemed as though Heero didn't know what to say, as his gaze focused on his former partner's gaunt face. "What, what...what happened to you?"

"It's a long story, if you have time." Duo heaved a deep sigh.

Wordlessly, Heero ushered him into the house.

"I've been sick," Duo stated matter-of-factly as Heero poured tea out of a plain ceramic pot. "Lucky they caught it early, else I'd be long dead.."

"I can't believe you never told us. How long ago?"

Duo thought for a moment. "Just about two years ago now. They got it under control, but...it looks like I'll be heading back to the hospital soon. They've found something in my latest tests that they want to discuss." He offered a small smile. "Of couse, I'm not a very good patient. The nurses loved me until it was time to give me a shot...and then until my hair started to..." He broke off suddenly, glancing away. "Ah, well, I was crabby from time to time, I guess."

"So, it's cured?"

With a bitter laugh, Duo pulled at the cross around his neck. "That was what they'd said, but they're being real careful to make sure I don't relapse. I'll be home free if I make it to the five-year-mark...they say a lot of people do...but, there aren't any guarantees. With the call I got this morning, as I see it, this could be it for me. So I had to come to you...I have something I always wanted to tell you. In case I don't see you again."

"Don't talk like that." It seemed the Perfect Soldier had gained a little human emotion since the war. Duo was glad to see a little emotion openly displayed on Heero's face. "You'll make it, you always do."

"Not that easy." Duo's violet eyes had a faraway look. "Even if I made it through another round of treatments, it's killing me.. I can't stand to look at myself any more."

"The hair was a bit of a shock."

"Yeah." Duo reached up to touch his head gingerly. "I think I'd rather have died back when they first told me that it was going to fall out. No, don't look at me like that. They said that the tretment would make it all fall out, and it was either the chemo or be dead within six months. I almost chose the six months, especially after they told me that it might not grow in the way it used to. This--." Duo savagely yanked out a coarse reddish-blond strand and looked at it angrily. "This isn't mine. This isn't me. My hair was my pride and joy. The first day a little clump of it fell out, on the pillow, I cried and wished I'd taken death over the chemo. I was weighing eighty pounds. My eyes were all swollen. I looked like hell, and I knew it."

"But you still didn't _tell_ any of us?" Heero asked.

Duo shook his head. "I didn't know how you guys would take it. And I didn't want your pity, man. I was tearing myself apart."

"But you could have told Quatre? Or me?" Heero cried, a hint of anger breaking through his blank expression.

"Heero Yuy, you should know about pride more than anyone! How could I have let anyone see me wasting away like that, especially you?!"

Heero stopped speaking and his eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, _especially_ me? You're human, I'm human! And after everything we went through during the war, I wouldn't have thought you any weaker because you were dying and needed one of us to help you through it!"

Duo looked stunned. Heero was struggling to keep his voice down. "Did you think I wouldn't care? You were the first friend I ever had! If you need me I want to be there, not find out later that you had some horrible illness and died without telling anybody! I'm not the same person I was before, you idiot--people mean something to me now--_you_ mean something to me, too! Do you understand?!" As he gasped this last, he clenched one of the sofa pillows, his gaze squarely on Duo's, who looked away first.

"It's not like that at all, Heero..."

"What is it then?" the Japanese boy hissed. "You don't trust me, so you had to keep this a secret? Do we not have a friendship after all?"

"No, it's just that...I...er, towards you, I wanted to have...a bit more than a friendship."

This news seemed to stun Heero more than Duo's illness. "You--you what?!"

Duo hung his head and blushed with shame. "I came here today--in case I died, and never got to tell you. I've had...feelings...for you for a long time now. I hope you don't...er, well, I'll understand if you're pissed, but I hope you're not."

Heero's jaw was still hanging open in shock, so Duo hurried on. "I mean, it's not like I was constantly checking you out or anything, but when we were pilots together I just kind of noticed what a great guy you were, or I thought you were, and I took it upon myself to get through that 'perfect soldier' mask and find out what you were really like, and I thought I had, but I could never tell you! And then you left and I went back to L2, and then this cancer came up, and I thought I was gonna die without telling the one person I really loved...that I did. But when I thought I was cured I chickened out again. Typical! But now that I might have relapsed," he said hoarsely, swallowing hard, "I...I wish I had said something before. Dammit! But it was so embarassing, I'm just sick and unemployed and apparently now I'm gay and I'm probably still dying and my best friend hates me, and I really wish I had my hair back, and I--Heero?"

Heero's blue colbalt eyes were looking at his own intently, as though trying to burn right through them. Duo continued to babble. "-and now you're looking at me funny, probably wondering when I got these ideas into my head, seriously, it wasn't from the chemo and I'm not crazy. I'm dead serious! And you're...you're...I don't know whether you're going to kiss me or kill me. Uh, Heero? Are you okay?"

Heero reached out one hand and firmly encircled Duo's wrist. With one strong motion he drew Duo to his feet and halfway across the table, spilling tea and cups across the table and onto the simple tatami floor. Their lips met, clumsily at first, and Duo leaned his weight on the table and let his eyes fall closed. The kiss was gentle, unhurried; sapping all the manic worries right out of him. Though it began chaste, when Heero shifted his angle slightly, Duo parted his lips to allow the other boy entrance. Time felt as though it had completely stopped.

Eventually though, Heero felt the way Duo's weak arms trembled on the table, and pulled away to look him square in the face. All Duo could manage was a meek, "Well. I wasn't expecting that. Er, though I don't know what I'm going to say if you only did that to make me feel better."

A small smile appeared on Heero's lips. "No. I wanted to do that several times before."

"Are you serious?" Duo whispered hoarsely.

Heero's eyebrows raised slightly. "Why would I lie about something like that?"

Duo grinned, his first real smile since entering the apartment. "I guess I know better than to press you too hard. But Heero...why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Why didn't _you?_ You're the one who wears his heart on his sleeve." Heero looked pointedly at the ex-Deathscythe pilot. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't keep such secrets from me from now on."

"What, that I had cancer or that I liked you?"

"Either. Both."

Duo laughed and brought a hand to his hair . "I don't think I could anymore."

"It'll all work out, Duo. You'll see." Heero laid a hand on his shoulder. His voice couldn't have sounded more serious.

But for the first time in five long years, Duo Maxwell felt safe.

* * *

_/Four years later.../_

* * *

Duo let out a cry of happiness and enfolded Quatre in a warm hug. "Quatre! Great to see you!"

"You too, Duo! You look great!" Quatre laughed at the brunette bundle of energy, glad that he was finally in perfect health. Quatre had been worried sick about Duo ever since the former had guiltily called him to tell him about the illness he'd been hiding. Duo had looked absolutely awful then, pale and gaunt, his trademark chestnut braid gone and replaced by a short coarse bristle of reddish-blonde hair. Since then, Duo would only talk on the phone with voice-only, trying to hide his sickly appearance. But the Duo before him now seemed full of life, and the only remaining marks of the disease were his just-slightly-underweight body and the black hat on his head. Not a single hair escaped from its trap under the hat-Duo was probably still self-conscious about it. It didn't bother Quatre in the least, as long as Duo was okay.

"Thanks!" Duo hopped back and forth from one foot to another. "Well? Aren't you curious?"

"Very." Quatre confided. "But we should wait for the others first."

Duo grinned and held his hand behind his back, his violet eyes taking in the Arabian wickedly under the shadow of his black baseball cap. "I know you wanna know, I know I know I know..."

"I know you know!" Quatre cried, trying to catch a glimpse of what Duo was holding in his hand. He was saved by the arrival of Wufei, Heero, and Trowa from the kitchen door. "Ah, there you are!"

"Has he told yet?" Heero asked, nonchalantly.

"No," Quatre replied, looking at Duo expectantly. "What's the big surprise?"

"Two things," Duo said with a grin. "First, there's this." He pried the baseball cap from his head with visible effort, and Quatre could soon see why. As soon as the hat was removed a long, thick chestnut braid fell from underneath and hung to Duo's mid-back. "It's not as long as it used to be," he admitted, "but at least I've got it back. Thanks to Heero, that is."

Duo held the thick coil of hair in one hand and let it rest over his shoulder. "It was coming in all reddish-blondish and weird, but when it was about to my ears it started changing colours. The texture started getting smoother too. So we dyed it chestnut again to match the top half, and it's been like that ever since. " Duo beamed. "And it's always grown pretty quickly, until it got so long that it kind of stopped. I'm trying to get it that long again."

"That's great, Duo!" Quatre hugged him fiercely. "I'm glad you're back to normal."

"As normal as Maxwell gets," Wufei commented dryly.

"As for the second surprise, I guess that's related." Duo blushed crimson and stuck out his left hand; on his ring finger was a solid gold band that gleamed in the dim light.

Quatre's mouthed formed a perfect 'o'. "You're kidding! You got married?"

Duo nodded in response. "It isn't official yet--that's why I asked all you guys to come here!"

"Wait a minute!" Wufei cried, shocked. "You and _Yuy_?!" Closer inspection on Heero's hand revealed an identical ring.

Duo grinned again, this time devilishly. "Yup. It's Heero and Duo Maxwell-Yuy, from now on!"

Quatre was grinning from ear to ear, and even Trowa was showing a slight smile. Wufei was trying his best to look indignant, but was somewhat failing. Somewhere inside he had known this would happen someday, it was just a matter of when.

Now that Duo's secrets were out, he ambled over to Heero's side and gave him a nudge and a wink. The former Wing pilot even cracked a smile at the action. Quatre could not help noticing how much Heero had changed since the war, not just physically, but he had obviously grown emotionally in a way that Quatre had never expected. It was nice to see. He smiled and reached for Trowa's hand, squeezing it tightly.

"Fine then, when's the damned wedding?" Wufei growled, but despite the anger in his voice there was a hint of good humour on his lips.

"Well, that's very convenient, actually, since I wanted you all to be here for it. So, one of my minister friends will be coming by within the hour."

The Chinese boy rolled his eyes in exasperation. "An hour? We're to attend this wedding without formal attire or even a gift?"

"Well, it's come as you are! Live in the moment, you know?" Duo slung his braid back over his shoulder so it wouldn't get in his way as he snuck a kiss from his partner. Quatre let out a timid laugh, Trowa smiled slightly and Wufei just glared at him. When he pulled away a moment later, he clarified; "Sometimes you never realize how much time you have left to really enjoy it."

This was a lesson Duo Maxwell had learned the hard way, and he was going to enjoy every minute life had to offer him.

_-end-_


End file.
